in limbo

•February 25, 2010 • 11 Comments

 

moments of true happiness are few and far between

moments of desolation are a dull and ongoing throb

am i sinking or surviving

i’m not sure anymore

i am working toward that place of total numbness

that place where I feel no pain but also no joy

limbo

between life and death

no

between alive and dead

i tried to reach out

to grab a life line

no one can really help me

i no longer want to help myself

and that is the final death

physically alive

emotionally dead

spiritually still fighting

I hate your face!

•February 7, 2010 • 1 Comment

People Irritate me

People scare me

I have no patience for people

Some I can tolerate…for short periods of time

Some, very few…keep me interested

until I start to see them as stupid.

Then they irritate me.

Some, I just hate their face…and it is NEVER about  their features…

it’s all about their eyes.

I can see their soul through there eyes!

I can see their pain and their kindness!

But I can also see shallow and selfish…

and they irritate me, and my skin crawls, and I want to be anywhere but listening to them…

and that scares me.

The people with the pain in their eyes…haunt me

I can’t get them out of my head…and I want to take away their pain!

I want them to know I understand

and that what they feel from their pain is real and I feel it too.

I want them to know that I know how it hurts

and somehow I want them to know that we can get through it.

It will never go away…it will always be a part of their soul

and life will go on anyway

and they too can go on with the pain as part of their soul.

And if they can go on…they are the only people that I have patience for.

They are the people in my life…that have value to me.

They are the ones I can spend time with…for awhile…

until one of us needs to move on.

living in a vacuum

•November 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment

living in a vacuum

touching no one

being affected by everyone

and everything

unable to cope

paralyzed

where do I go from here?

how do i take the next step?

i cant think

life is no longer making sense

i dont know how to fix it

i have no where to turn

…but inside

is this all there is?

•November 29, 2009 • Leave a Comment

 

I am thinking that it is an “age” thing. I never read valley of the dolls BUT, I am imagining it is about …is this all there is?

I don’t think it is only me that is feeling this way.

I think it is a secret unspoken passage that most women go through at a certain time in their lives.

Maybe some rock the boat…maybe some even abandon ship.

Maybe some keep sailing as if nothing is wrong …

and maybe some need to paint big colorful dragons on their sails.

I am desperately looking for paint and a huge larger than life surface to spread out and feel free to create!

But in my search, I am sailing without sails

and therefore the waters are taking me aimlessly in circles with no glimpse of land.

Just miles and miles of nothingness…sometimes calm, sometimes peaceful and sometimes almost life threatening.

An anchor is useless and oars are futile.

I know better than anybody that I have NOTHING to cry about. You would say I have no right to cry when I have been so blessed, and you would be right.

I guess we come into this world alone and we leave this world alone. I just never before saw that we also journey through it alone.

Maybe loneliness is not good or bad, just human.

is suicide painless?

•November 27, 2009 • 5 Comments

do something that scares you
like ending your life
I’m thinking about it
I’m thinking about it hard
I won’t
Too chicken
but the end of self torture would be worth it
i have so much despair
and no real reason
no one understands
the pain I live with
…all the time
i think it is just because
i am me
the world is not bad to me
people are not bad to me

i just dont see how things will get better
because they are not bad
on anyone else’s scale
i really want this to end
the aching pain inside
and the only way i can see that happening
is by stopping it all
and i won’t
but i wish i could
maybe one day i will be able to

there’s a hole in my soul

•November 19, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Dear Blog-Diary,

I need to talk

there’s a hole in my soul that is looking for a bandaide

some days it is huge and some days it barely hurts

today it is throbbing

I try to analyse what will appease it but I never seem to have an apparent solution

so i try things

i try talking to my husband-he’s too busy to hear me

i try talking to my friend but they all need to talk about the aches of their own

i do look to God and that helps

but when i re-enter life he disappears

i eat chocolate and peanut butter and it helps as long as I am tasting it

i feel like i am alone with this hole in my soul

i am not connected to the people

i am not connected at all
what holds me here?

on days like today i am just not sure

I ran 2 miles in the dark, it was awesome

i am afraid of the dark, always have been

but it thrills me at the same time

it makes me face the hole in my soul

and it lets me dream of running in secret to a place where all my nerve endings will be on fire …in the dark

and no one will know me, and i can be just me, and finally live


Blog Directory for QC

tried to give back

•November 12, 2009 • 4 Comments

I am not sure what I am going to write, I just know that i need to write…

Bored-Baby-1284

went to a meeting…tried to do charity, give of my time!

I just cant connect to the group.

I have gone to 3 meetings and 2 events and …nothing!

BLAH!!

Their humour…I just dont find it at all clever or funny.

Their programs…dull!

I sit and watch as the hour goes on and I want to participate, but seriously, I am just on a different wave length.

What I say is not what they want to hear. Actually, I think they all just want to hear themselves.

So I dont talk much and dont offer many suggestions because they are caught up in the placid, non-changing intent of the programs.

I person said she was funky…funky???? She cant go on facebook because technology is not her!

Then to add insult to injury, they thought I would be flattered by their request for me to head the ad book, they need my graphic abilities.

OMG!!! I work in graphics all day and get paid! I DONT want to volunteer endless hours Idont have and MORE computer time for an organization I truly do not believe in.

I joined because my old teacher called and asked me to (He heads the committee).

Do I quit? or keep wasting my time and keep giving truly nothing to no one. Is that charity? or chickenshit stupidity?