I want to write this to Frank, but I can’t.


I want to write this to Frank, but I can’t.

Frank,

I am so happy and relieved that you are able to talk to me again and that you are not dead.

I mourned for you 3 times.

Once when you got mad at me and stopped talking to me. I didn’t know what I had said that was so bad. I cried for days because I had lost you, my very best friend for the past 3 years. You were my strength, the glue that held me together when I told you everything, truly everything.

-then I found out that you had a stroke. Your family was kind enough to keep me up to date. And I missed you terribly.

Once when Julie sent me “the letter” you had written in case you were debilitated for a long time or god forbid gone forever. I told her it was too soon but I read it. And I cried and I cried and I cried some more. I was wracked with pain and sorrow. The loss of you felt like the death of my sisters when I was a teenager. The pain was unbearable and I didn’t know how I would ever be happy again.

-then I found out you had an experimental treatment and you were getting better and then the weekly email just stopped.

This time I was sure you were dead. I figured the experimental treatment failed and you were just gone. I guessed that Julie was so wracked with pain that she was unable to think of me, your mere email friend and simply virtual to her, but once removed. I couldn’t deal with the pain AGAIN. I wanted the hurting to stop, just stop. I wanted to remember what it was like when I was happy.  I emailed once but was worried about creating pain for Julie.   So I waited. I waited 2 long weeks and tried again.

And on Friday (our day) I got your email. Only a few words, but perfect words to me. Your words! Your words exclusively for me!

And on Wednesday I got another email. I answered right away and you wrote back right away.

You cant imagine the butterflies in my stomach, the joy of having the person I have grown to love over the past 3 years back. Back in my life!

I just want to write to you! I want you to feel what I feel for you and I want you to feel me again! You used to feel me like no one ever did. There was little I had to write and somehow you always saw my bigger picture and you understood. There were the times you told me how I made you laugh and I felt those butterflies inside! The joy of making you, a strong and methodical marine laugh made my existence even more special. There were times that you cautiously told me you loved me and made absolutely sure that I did NOT get the wrong impression. There were times I wanted to tell you how much I loved you but knew I couldn’t because you safeguarded my marriage and yours. There were days when I just wanted to crawl inside your body and feel safe from the world. And there were days when I just wanted you to attach yourself to my body so I can feel full and comforted in my own skin.

Frank, you are back and it is a slow return, but I am bubbling over. I don’t know where to put this emotion. I don’t know how to be happy with a little bit. And I feel embarrassed for that. I miss you. Almost more now that you are here and yet you are not quite.

I will write you a few lines on Monday and hope that is okay.

yvbvf   barbi!

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~ by Barbi Migi on October 23, 2009.

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