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•September 29, 2009 • Leave a Comment

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somebody to watch over me

•October 11, 2012 • Leave a Comment

i am alone. i think we all are alone, only some of us dont feel it as much. some of us never come to realize it. thats what i think anyway. it hurts. am i the only one that hurts?

i can play the blame game but where has it got me so far? i want to get rid of all my stuff. i want to feel unencumbered by things. i want to own nothing but what i need to survive. i dont want to be in THIS world anymore. i dont want to compete on a playing field where i find it so difficult to understand the reason for their rules. yes, it is me and them. do we all feel that way?

what if i simply dont want to do this anymore? there is nothing i am getting our of this world that seems to make it worth the daily struggle.

i think death would be peace. i have to rack up good deeds so that i am in a good place in the world to come.

i just hurt. it feels like all the time. i want the self hate and the pain to stop.i am not doing well in this world. i am not a competitor. i want another world. another playing field. a place where i feel right. a place where i love myself. a place where i fit in. a place where i dont have to fight everyday to try and like myself.

lost and forgotten

•May 18, 2010 • 1 Comment

If I went to the park in the dark

would you know I was there?

I wander my house, no longer a home

and  I feel all alone

in the depths of my soul to that hole in my heart

life for me is painful

every day is a test, can I make it through…

I’m not always sure how

much more pain I can endure

I cant quite figure out why I want to

what keeps me here

it used to be hope

hope of a happy future

now I am old

how much future is left

how much can i alter it

change it

make it happy

find a reason to laugh

I end up more skeptical every day

and more alone

in my the pain deep in my heart and my soul

where I’m at…

•May 9, 2010 • 4 Comments

 

good days and bad days!

Today is a good day.

I am feeling in control AND have a friend without benefits!

Certain helps a momentarily loveless marriage survive.

Invisibility kills a woman, living hell I think.

If you’re not going to make me feel female then you will find yourself dealing with a totally nonsexual being.

Make me FEEL female and the magic is in your hands!

MEN…think it out…wisely…it’s your marriage and your choice!

Feeling female DOES NOT mean kitchen or bedroom duty!

It means that when you look at me and only me you feels that your life would end without me noticing you!

That I make you weak in the knees and you are strong but will turn off anything in your life at any moment for a chance to spend time with me.

That making me laugh makes you excited and seeing me vulnerable makes you protective!

I am looking for that man, maybe it is a fantasy, but I will still look for and dream of the man that wants to be with me or it isnt worth it to breathe!

everyday is a new day

•April 15, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Where am I at?

Where have I been?

Is life leading me or am I living it?

is he insane?

•April 1, 2010 • 2 Comments

My husband has gone off the deep end. I can’t save him and I can’t save this marriage.

I have nowhere else to be and that is  a heart wrenching thing.

As most women facing a future without the marriage of 27 years, I am at a bit of a loss.

My husband is learning hypnosis and talking to spirits.

He is sure that there is nothing wrong with him and that I have influenced all our friends and family to point out his ludicrous behaviour.

He spends his time totally involved with saving his 16 year old cousin and her friends.

His happiness comes from the adoration he is receiving from that family, psychic readings, spirit interventions and more…

He says if only I can see what he sees or wait until he saves her, then he will be able to be involved in the family again.

It has been 18 months since the start of this insanity and I see no end to it.

He gets more involved minute by minute.

He arrives home after midnight 2-3 days a week and all the other times he is texting or emailing or talking to her and her family.

He tried to hide it and tells them that he has to hide things from me so they shouldnt say anything.

Is this insane?

It seems it to me.

•March 21, 2010 • 1 Comment

There is nothing that lifts my spirits or clears my head as much as an unexpected laugh!

I wish I could make people laugh!

Comedians have a talent equal to psychiatrists!

A gift that goes unnoticed in the world but appreciated by those who’s life their laughter touches!

Can a man protect a woman?

•March 15, 2010 • 2 Comments

prince charming

We call women that dont seem to need protection Ball Busters,  Alpha Women and a myriad of other derogatory names.

I always depended on my husband to protect me.

I grew up knowing that it was my husbands responsibility to keep me safe.

It is only hitting me NOW that that is a huge fallacy.

It is the biggest lie that our parents and society teach girls.

I expected to stay home and protect my children and my husband would in turn protect me.

HA!

Kids have grown and husband is incapable of protecting me.

The world is harsh, the economy is terrible and the body ages.

BUT

the biggest surprise is that men are WEAK!

They are the weaker sex!

when the going gets tough, they whine and complain and blame it all on someone else!

We learn to suck it up! We learn to protect our young! We learn to rely on ourselves!

We learn that Men are just people with balls and no magic powers and no super strength.

Have you ever seen a woman lift something that is way too heavy for her? In my case that is a box of bottled water!

Ouch, ugh, ouch, hmph and WHEW! into the cart, into the car and into the house!

We do it because we have to! We have adapted to a world where men are the weaker sex in my mind!

I say a man is incapable of protecting a woman throughout a marriage…it is a delusion.