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living in a vacuum

living in a vacuum

touching no one

being affected by everyone

and everything

unable to cope

paralyzed

where do I go from here?

how do i take the next step?

i cant think

life is no longer making sense

i dont know how to fix it

i have no where to turn

…but inside

is this all there is?

 

I am thinking that it is an “age” thing. I never read valley of the dolls BUT, I am imagining it is about …is this all there is?

I don’t think it is only me that is feeling this way.

I think it is a secret unspoken passage that most women go through at a certain time in their lives.

Maybe some rock the boat…maybe some even abandon ship.

Maybe some keep sailing as if nothing is wrong …

and maybe some need to paint big colorful dragons on their sails.

I am desperately looking for paint and a huge larger than life surface to spread out and feel free to create!

But in my search, I am sailing without sails

and therefore the waters are taking me aimlessly in circles with no glimpse of land.

Just miles and miles of nothingness…sometimes calm, sometimes peaceful and sometimes almost life threatening.

An anchor is useless and oars are futile.

I know better than anybody that I have NOTHING to cry about. You would say I have no right to cry when I have been so blessed, and you would be right.

I guess we come into this world alone and we leave this world alone. I just never before saw that we also journey through it alone.

Maybe loneliness is not good or bad, just human.

is suicide painless?

do something that scares you
like ending your life
I’m thinking about it
I’m thinking about it hard
I won’t
Too chicken
but the end of self torture would be worth it
i have so much despair
and no real reason
no one understands
the pain I live with
…all the time
i think it is just because
i am me
the world is not bad to me
people are not bad to me

i just dont see how things will get better
because they are not bad
on anyone else’s scale
i really want this to end
the aching pain inside
and the only way i can see that happening
is by stopping it all
and i won’t
but i wish i could
maybe one day i will be able to